Nerdology 101: Kink Safety for Beginners

This blog post is intended for adults. It is not recommeded for those under the age of 18.

Hiii! Welcome back to Nerdology 101. I’m your host, Maria Levato, and this week we’ll be going over some kink basics for those who may wish to explore bits and pieces of their smutty fantasies in real life. Let’s get into some Nerdology!

1. Consent

   The first and most important point is that when indulging in any form of sexual activity consent is key. Nothing you do not want to happen should be happening. For this reason, it’s best to define boundaries before any play begins. Talk to your partners. Be clear about what you’re looking for, what is and is not okay with you, what your expectations are, what kinds of aftercare you think you’ll need, and literally any other topics that will help define the situation.

2. Take it slow

   Kink is not something you just wake up one day and start exploring at full-throttle. Doing that is extremely dangerous and could result in harm to you or your partner(s). While I don’t consider any kink totally “off-limits”, I do think there are steps. For example, if your interest is in impact play, you should probably try some light spanking before you pull out a whip. Liking the way you imagine a kink or a concept of a kink does not always equate to actually liking the kink itself. Sometimes, you want to try something, you do, and then you hate it in practice. Slowly building up to more intense play is an important step. This is even more important with certain roleplay-type kinks like CNC and Primal Play because you and your partner(s) need to have enough experience, trust, and communication built up to prevent a fun and healthy exploration of a fantasy from becoming an assault.

3. Learn from someone more experienced than you

   First-timers are always welcome here, but experience is important. If neither you or your partner(s) have any, please find someone who does. You can do this by attending a munch, visiting a BDSM club as an observer, or discussing it with those at your local kink shop (in my experience, they are usually willing to help guide newbies—or provide them with resources that might help them). Many of the people you meet in these spaces have been doing this for years. They can give you general advice on safety, best practices, communication, questions you should ask that might not be so obvious, etc. They can also tell you ways certain tools should be used. Improper use of kinky devices can be risky.

4. Trust

   We touched on this a little in the first point, but there’s more to say in this area in particular. Kink requires an extreme amount of trust. I don’t care if you’ve known someone a month or 10 years, if you cannot say with absolute certainty that they will a) stop when told, b) adhere to any lines you have, c) understand that what you allow them to do during play does not equate to how they’re expected to treat you outside of it, I do not advise engaging in kink with them. If these elements are not present, there’s not enough trust or respect for a kink dynamic to be implemented in a healthy way.

5. Beware of the Internet

   The irony of telling you to be cautious about what you see/read/observe on the internet while speaking to you on the internet is not lost on me, but its also so important. Predators are abundant in the world, but they get amplified on the internet. Many of them use the words kink or BDSM as a broad cover for toxic, unhealthy, sickening behavior. The kink community does NOT condone this type of behavior. Don’t play with someone who uses “I’m a dominant” as an excuse to steamroll you. If you lean dominant, also don’t forget that subs should have lines and that being a dom/domme doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to have lines too. In fact, you should have lines. If someone says something along the lines of “I’ll try anything”, they either haven’t thought this through or they’re making assumptions about what your “anything” entails. I’ve had people say that to me before, but when I question it and start throwing out kinks, they have to backtrack and think about it more. In order for clear communication to take place between partners, a certain amount of self-reflection also has to take place. No one should be okay with “anything”. Boundaries and lines might change as the dynamic progresses, but it should never be assumed to have changed, it should never be expected to change. Make sure that content you consume for the purpose of learning is coming from someone who cares about safety. The smutty books we read are FICTION. Understand that a healthy exploration of kink/BDSM doesn’t look exactly like it does in books. Sure, you can reenact some scenes, but you cannot skip these essential steps leading up to that point without incurring serious risk of harm.

   With that, I’m going to wrap this blog post up! I’m a bit short on time this week, unfortunately. But, please remember that these five points are a starting point, not a finish line. Kink dynamics require a lot of thought and effort. At the bottom, I’ll include a few other resources (I’ve vetted these, but I still enourage you to vet them so you can get some practice with questioning things before trusting them) that might help you on your journey. Thanks a ton for dropping by Nerdology 101. I’ll see you back next week for our next segment. Until then, have a nerdy week!

Resources for learning about kink:

https://bdsmtest.org/select-language - figuring out what dynamics might interest you.

https://www.gstherapycenter.com/blog/2019/3/8/kink-safety-what-you-need-to-know - general safety

https://www.thepomegranateinstitute.com/the-abcs-of-bdsm-safety-acronyms - acroynms commonly used

https://expansivetherapy.com/blog-detail/new-kink-therapy - safety + mental health

https://www.chattingwiththelightkeeper.com/your-ultimate-guide-to-exploring-bdsm-and-kink/kinkopedia-the-ultimate-bdsm-d-s-terminology-guide/how-to-navigate-understand-and-stay-safe-at-bdsm-kink-events/ - Practical safety tips and knowledge for attending munches and other kink events.

Nerdology 101: The “Smut” Convo

This blog post is not recommended for anyone under the age of 18. If you’re a minor, please check with a parent or guardian before proceeding.

We’reeee backkkk! Welcome to Nerdology 101. I’m your host, Maria Levato. This week we’re going to talk about the word smut. I’m not going to waste any time getting into it because this is already going to be a rant. So, let’s get into some Nerdology!

If you read this blog, my books, or my social media content, it’s probably no suprise to you that I love smutty books. I love reading them, writing for them, and today I love advocating for them because by now we’ve all seen the shift start to happen.

I’m going to say this loud and fucking clear: There’s nothing wrong with sex. Sex is normal. It’s healthy. It’s enjoyable. Therefore, there is nothing unclean, shameful, embarrassing, or wrong about reading smut. It’s a book. The fact that sex happens in a book doesn’t reflect whatsoever on its literary value or relavance. In fact, it adds value in the sense that it highlights ideas that push forward social movements such as sex positivity, feminism, and LGBTQIA+ rights—all of which I stand by firmly.

The word smut, in this context, is one the bookish community used to refer to these books when BookTok, Bookstagram, and other bookish social media tags started becoming more popular. It was used primarily as an inside joke that brought joy to the community. Anyone who has actually read these books is unlikely to see them as simply being pornography. Recently, however, we’ve started to see a rise in people who are using the word smut to diminish the books, the people who read them, and the people who write them. As such, the language has started to change. I’ve seen more and more people beginning to avoid the word smut altogether. In leiu of it, they’re leaning towards softer, less direct options like spice—which has been used for a while, but not in the way that it’s happening now where it’s being used to avoid stigmatization. With that being the case, many have begun to debate which words should and should not be used. In this post, I’m going to give my thoughts on why we shouldn’t let go of the word smut or otherwise soften our language.

1. What message are we sending?

   When we communicate, word choice matters. That’s why an author will some times spend hours searching for that perfect word. When I stop and ask myself what message we are sending with our word choices regarding sexual content in books, here’s what comes to my mind (I cannot speak for everyone. I’m giving my perspective and that’s all.):

   “I read smutty books.” - I confidently read sexual material with the critical engagement necessary to understand that books containing it often offer great stories, diverse voices, powerful social commentary, and that the act of reading it is a form of empowerment that affirms for me that my pleasure, autonomy, and needs matter both in and outside of the bed.

   “I read spicy books.” - This does NOT automatically imply that the person speaking doesn’t feel the same way as the one who says they read smut. It does however require more thought. In the bookish community, I’ve never seen anyone use a smut scale because of the implications behind the word, but spice scales are frequently used. The translations of these scales often vary widely. For one reader, Fourth Wing may be the spiciest book they’ve ever read. For another reader, it could be a one or a two on a scale of one to five. I think that matters because it means using the word spice allows a massive amount of interpretation that can lead to some misunderstandings. So, by using the word, you’re allowing the other person to judge your meaning based on their scale. Because of this broadness, the message you’re sending with your word choice is less clear. I can’t tell based on the sentence alone if this person is quietly capitulating to purity culture or if they are loudly and intentionally rebelling against it in their own way. Thus, I have to assume someone who loudly and intentionally perpetuates purity culture would be pleased by this because it leaves room for them to twist things in a way that may or may not align with the intention of the person saying it. I can see people using this type of soft language to make it seem like “Oh, so this is something you know you should be ashamed of” even though that argument is easily dismantled by anyone with a critical thinking skills. The danger of it, though, is that not everyone has critical thinking skills. Moreover, the crazies would rather not think critically if what’s being said inflates their false sense of superiority and makes them look justified in their oppression.

2. Infantilization

   We’re fucking adults. It is insane to me that a bunch of adults cannot speak about sexual content in a direct way. The softening of the language is reminiscent of arguing on a playground about who has cooties. This probably has a lot to do with censorship on social media platforms as well, but it has a real impact. This soft language and avoidance reaffirms stereotypes (particularly when it comes to women). It allows people to imply shame, lack of assertiveness, indecisiveness, innocence and corruption in accordance with whatever arbitrary standard they so choose, and other harmful ideas that make it sound like we’re unable to think and act of our own free will. Men talk about sex amoungst themselves. The fact that its considered problematic for women to do the same in regards to books often written with women in mind is a symptom of misogyny and the infantilization that comes with it.

3. Content

   Changing the language we use to discuss content could result in a change the content itself. I love these smutty books and a lot of you do too. So, let’s talk about how erasure of the word smut could lead to erasure of the content. Censorship is a tricky thing. It usually doesn’t start by saying “this type of language is banned”. Outright attacks on words like that are more likely to meet resistance. Convincing people to self-censor is a much easier thing to do, especially on social media platforms because it rewards self-censorship with reach, which leads to engagement, and to sales that a lot of bookish accounts might be depending on for their income. While I acknowledge how difficult it might be for people to cope with this loss of income, I’d argue that the benefit outweighs the cost. If we will self-censor on social media, we’ll eventually self-censor in other ways when that push for it expands. Bookstores and readers may eventually start to move away from carrying smut, which will push publishers away from publishing it, then agents away from representing it, and in the end push writers away from writing it. Even self-published authors have to consider the market and what will sell, it could even result in less smut being available from us too. The issue is bigger than one word. If we allow that word to be erased, we invite them to push for more.

   The impact of it could substantially setback conversations around sex positivity and feminism as I’ve addressed, but it could also setback conversations around LGBTQIA+ rights. I know recently there’s been a lot of conversation around straight women writing MM, but that’s the point—There’s conversation. Representation leads to conversation. Conversation leads to increased understanding of the communities perspective. Increased understanding leads to better representation. I read a fair amount of LGBTQIA+ books written by LGBTQIA+ authors, but I never would have found most of them if I hadn’t been reading smutty MM written by straight women that were already popularized. While I do agree that books by LGBTQIA+ authors should be the priority in LGBTQIA+ genres AND that staight people who write LGBTQIA+ stories need to do better, I think the point stands that without popular smut, I would know less LGBTQIA+ authors and that these conversations about what good representation and allyship look like wouldn’t be happening.

With all of that being said, I will continue to use the word smut because I think the benefits of it are worth protecting. That’s my two cents on this discourse and I hope it helps readers and writers alike think more about the language we’re using and decide for themselves what language they want to use.

Let me know in the comments what your thoughts are! See you back next week for the next segment of Nerdology 101. Until then, have a nerdy week!